I am home, I am home. I feel like I've been away for months but now I'm home. I made it in my sleep-deprived state because my mother sent
Red-tailed hawks to watch over me as I drove east on 90. I must have seen a dozen hawks yesterday, not perched in trees or on poles as I usually see most of them but circling overhead on a perfectly glorious afternoon.
I'm not sure if I will ever be able to voice in detail what I experienced Tuesday evening but I know with every skeptical fiber of my being that my mother's essence, her consciousness, her spirit, her soul, whatever one chooses to call that ephemeral thing that makes us each a unique being, I believe it left my mother's body in those moments. I didn't fully recognize it myself at the time but later I realized it was then that everything changed and while there was still a breathing body my mother wasn't in it.
My mother to my mind is gone and she went in peace after a week filled with many lovely moments. No one should have any regrets, my mother would never want that and it would be unloving not to let go of everything but the sweetest memories.
Earlier on Tuesday I asked her if she would like to go out with Yo Yo Ma playing and she said, "I would." We listened to the music and I opened the window. I told her the robins that had been nesting when I was there the end of June were now outside the window feeding their fledglings and she said, "Nice." I wiped her face with a cool washcloth and put some of her favorite perfume, the Hermes Caleche, on her forehead where I then gave her lots of kisses. I said, "Lots of kisses to the end" and she said, "'Till it's over."
All week long as we took care of various end-of-life tasks I would tell my mother, "Done and dusted", a phrase she and her mother used a thousand times over the years. It still rings in my ears.
I'm not sure if I will ever be able to voice in detail what I experienced Tuesday evening but I know with every skeptical fiber of my being that my mother's essence, her consciousness, her spirit, her soul, whatever one chooses to call that ephemeral thing that makes us each a unique being, I believe it left my mother's body in those moments. I didn't fully recognize it myself at the time but later I realized it was then that everything changed and while there was still a breathing body my mother wasn't in it.
My mother to my mind is gone and she went in peace after a week filled with many lovely moments. No one should have any regrets, my mother would never want that and it would be unloving not to let go of everything but the sweetest memories.
Earlier on Tuesday I asked her if she would like to go out with Yo Yo Ma playing and she said, "I would." We listened to the music and I opened the window. I told her the robins that had been nesting when I was there the end of June were now outside the window feeding their fledglings and she said, "Nice." I wiped her face with a cool washcloth and put some of her favorite perfume, the Hermes Caleche, on her forehead where I then gave her lots of kisses. I said, "Lots of kisses to the end" and she said, "'Till it's over."
All week long as we took care of various end-of-life tasks I would tell my mother, "Done and dusted", a phrase she and her mother used a thousand times over the years. It still rings in my ears.
